Wednesday, April 16, 2008


I had my appointment yesterday with the Dr. Told him that I had felt great and had no problems. He almost was a little suprised that I didn't have any bleeding or cramping. He started off saying that it would probably be another month before I got my period and just to wait for that. He then checked me out in the nether regions and said he could fell my body "waking up" already and that I was actually ahead of schedule in recovery. SO YAY!

Then today I realized I didn't ask if the tests of the tissue came back. I may call here in a few days and just check.

But otherwise, this blog is taking a sabbatical. Don't want you kiddies knowing the ins and outs of EVERYTHING. So hopefully I will be back in a few months. Until then....keep reading the family blog

Peace out....

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

1 week later..

So it has been 1 week since my D&E. I have had no bleeding, only what looks like really light spotting. I have had no cramping or any soreness. It has been great. I did take the Dr.'s advice and didn't exercise for a week...which was hard. I ran yesterday with Anissa and was surprised at how well I did. We did our normal route and I didn't feel as tired as I thought I would. Only thing that hurt was these DAMN plantar warts! I ran again this afternoon with Jack and felt great. It was such a nice day, I couldn't pass it up.

So on another kinda related subject, I have been thinking about switching jobs. Thing is, I LOVE the group I am in, the product we work on, and the people I work with. So I have been trying to figure this out. I have been wanting to move to a more development type position to keep myself challenged and up to date with technologies but I couldn't figure out how to make a transition. Then, last week, we got word that one of our developers was leaving. I talked with some others in the department and decided to talk to the hiring manager. I know the current posting is beyond my skill set but I wanted to make my presence known in case any projects we re to "fall through the cracks". This afternoon, I went and had a quick chat with him about my interests. He was very receptive and is going to look into getting me into more of a hybrid role of testing and developing...just obviously not the same content. He is going to talk with my boss and see about slowly working me in when I have lulls in my schedule. So hopefully this will A) help push on my promotion B) get my foot in the door to development and C) keep me more challenged. And to circle back on why this is somewhat related to baby making, the group I work in is all about the kiddos. Every woman except maybe 3 in the entire department have kids and the flex time to be with them and the understanding of maternity leave is great. There is no fear I will get too behind while out or too swamped once a kid is here. Once again, I love the group I am in...hell we make software for could we not be!

Well off to heat up some good ol' SAS leftovers for dinner....did I mention I love where I work :)

Sunday, April 6, 2008

swanky new style

I have spent the afternoon updating the blog. Of course I cannot follow a template exactly, so I spent hours customizing it. Funny enough...I am in an HTML training course tomorrow...yeah...I am loling too :). Let me know what you think!

And for a gift for the week...I give you some cuteness:

Bye Bye

So I finally packed up Pumpkin's things. The ultrasound, the cards, the pregnancy tests. Something feels weird that there are only these little things in that big shoe box. Feels like there should be more...maybe I should write a letter or something. But then would I want to read it later? I feel like I need to show more emotion...maybe it is all this reading I have been doing.

I have been reading some women's blogs who have also lost a little one. They seem so empty and devastated. Not to say this doesn't suck ass big time...but they seem like they can't get past the "what if" stuff. I have seen posts of them wondering would the baby have blue eyes, or have their smile. I just don't think that way. Does that make me a bad person? They write poems and watch REALLY sad Youtube clips of songs about miscarriage. Maybe they are looking for someone to relate to...but I just can't see how that is helping you move along. I avoid saying "move on" because I know you can't ever completely move on. I am telling myself that I am just not that emotional. I don't think I got all the girly jeans I am supposed to. I think of things too logically. Lots of these women get enraged to see other pregnant women or babies. They cry at the sight of a happy family. And if you told them the usual "you can try again" or "it was meant to be this way", they would claw your eyes out with a spoon. So why is it that words like that help me understand? Why does telling myself "this is natures way of working" make it ok for me? Is there something wrong with me? Don't get me wrong...there hasn't been a day I don't think about Pumpkin but I don't think about a "baby"...I think about being pregnant. And one of the girls I read just had another miscarriage and I thought what she had to say was very insightful into what I miss and what I fear in the future:

"There is certainly an innocence lost after miscarriage. An innocence lost that can not really be explained unless you have experienced it. If you have, you’ll know exactly what I am trying to convey. It really makes itself apparent if another pregnancy occurs. Pregnancy doesn’t mean the same thing anymore. It becomes clinical. Before I ever had a miscarriage, I freely interchanged the phrases “I’m pregnant” with “I’m having a baby”. Now, they are two very different things to me." - Viv

After the initial shock of losing Pumpkin, this is what I was sad about. It won't be new again. Before, only like 2 people even knew we were trying. Our parents were clueless, we had no clue if my crazy timing schedule was even right, and we were ecstatic to see those pink lines. But we have lost that. I guess I think of it as the innocence of it that she talked about. I know I have plenty of time since I am so young and healthy, but I want to be pregnant again NOW. Next time those lines will mean "I'm pregnant"...time to freak out. Not the level of excitement as before. Now I do feel like I didn't get too far ahead of myself. I didn't go shopping for baby clothes and toys....if anything I avoided the entire section of the store. I bought a stroller on the bulletin board at work(because it was an awesome deal that could not be passed up) but that was it. So maybe I never fully invested in it for fear this would maybe I protected myself some...or maybe I knew it in my subconscious Who knows?

But this is my goodbye to Pumpkin. My goodbye to my sadness, goodbye to my uncertainty, and goodbye to my sense of helplessness. I am a strong person. I will be fine. And even though I am not a very religious person, everything happens for a reason. If anything, this has taught me that...even down to a scientific level. So bye bye will be missed.

"An angel wrote in the book of life, my baby's date of birth. Then whispered as she closed the book 'Too beautiful for earth.'"

Thursday, April 3, 2008


Well I went back to work today. Had a great day...still no pain or bleeding! Also since I went home early on Monday sick, everyone else just assumed that I was out no awkward questions. And to top it off, we got our merit raises! That's right...the Mann family just bumped up in the tax bracket! Gotta love working for the same company...we get double!

I just wanted to take some time out to say how much I love my hubby. I am not one for mushy stuff but he has been the best. This whole ordeal has only made me realize why I love him so much. He has babied me, cleaned for me, cooked for me, and even held my hair while I threw up(I know...sooo cliche). I don't think it would have been as easy without him. I just hope he is doing OK as well. I ask...but ya never know. So thank you Mr. Mann...i shore do love you and you are going to be one superb daddy.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Ahhh...good info

So I was surfing around for junk on the net and found this article. Doesn't all apply but it has all the miscarriage facts and how there is little known reasons for recurrent ones.

Here is the full article.

But here is a good excerpt:

"If you know or read about all the things that can go wrong in achieving and maintaining a successful pregnancy, you will no doubt wonder how so many healthy babies manage to be born. More than half of pregnancies are spontaneously lost even before the woman has missed a menstrual period and knows that she is pregnant, and about 15 to 20 percent of recognized pregnancies are miscarried in the next few months. For couples who want a baby, these are daunting numbers.

Quick on their heels, however, are very reassuring numbers. For 80 to 90 percent of women who lose one pregnancy, the next one, even with no treatment, results in a successful birth. But the devastation is compounded and the statistics slightly less hopeful when a woman has lost two or more pregnancies. After two consecutive miscarriages, there is a 75 percent chance that the next pregnancy will be maintained. After three miscarriages, there is a 65 percent chance."

Just more learning :)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

A New Start

I had my D&E this morning. We went last Friday to talk to the Dr. about the procedure and I found it to be a lot easier than I had read. Most people have to check in to the hospital and are completely sedated during the procedure. They are there for a good 6 hours or so for all of the hospital overhead. My doctor said that I could do that or, since the pregnancy was so early on, I could have it done in the office in under 30 minutes. I really like my doctor and trust him. So I decided on the office.

This morning I took Valium at around 9 and headed to the office. I was pretty loopy when I got there. They also gave me a shot in the booty of pain reliever. I won't go into all the details but basically I was manually dilated and numbed internally. He then made a couple of passes with suction and removed all the tissue and blood. Near the end, I was in quite a bit of pain from the cramping. I sat back for a few minutes and it eventually went away. I did however get very nauseas and had to vomit a little. Apparently I could have eaten breakfast with my medication but I thought that I shouldn't. After that though, I felt much better....and wanted to eat :).

The doctor did tell me that what he saw was that my body was still creating a healthy environment for the just couldn't grow anymore. I am pretty sure they send off for tests to make sure it wasn't something out of the ordinary and I should hear back in a few weeks. I have another follow up in 2 weeks.

I came home and ate and then took a long nap to sleep off the drugs. I feel pretty good. I have been suffering from allergies for a few days now...and even those seem to be slacking off. So I feel great! I have only bled a bit and maybe had 1 or 2 slight cramps. I also got a nice big bottle of hydracodone to "help me sleep". Woooha. And on that note, I just love my insurance. All I have payed for for all of this is about $8 in drugs. The copay is INSANE!

Well I hope this will help some people understand the whole process of miscarriage more. Like I said in my previous post, I am happy to talk about it. I feel like it is kept so quiet and so foreign to people that when it happens, people don't know where to turn. So if you know anyone that needs someone to talk to, I am always here :).

So this is our new start. We have to wait for me to have one normal cycle and we are cleared to go :).