So I finally packed up Pumpkin's things. The ultrasound, the cards, the pregnancy tests. Something feels weird that there are only these little things in that big shoe box. Feels like there should be more...maybe I should write a letter or something. But then would I want to read it later? I feel like I need to show more emotion...maybe it is all this reading I have been doing.
I have been reading some women's blogs who have also lost a little one. They seem so empty and devastated. Not to say this doesn't suck ass big time...but they seem like they can't get past the "what if" stuff. I have seen posts of them wondering would the baby have blue eyes, or have their smile. I just don't think that way. Does that make me a bad person? They write poems and watch REALLY sad Youtube clips of songs about miscarriage. Maybe they are looking for someone to relate to...but I just can't see how that is helping you move along. I avoid saying "move on" because I know you can't ever completely move on. I am telling myself that I am just not that emotional. I don't think I got all the girly jeans I am supposed to. I think of things too logically. Lots of these women get enraged to see other pregnant women or babies. They cry at the sight of a happy family. And if you told them the usual "you can try again" or "it was meant to be this way", they would claw your eyes out with a spoon. So why is it that words like that help me understand? Why does telling myself "this is natures way of working" make it ok for me? Is there something wrong with me? Don't get me wrong...there hasn't been a day I don't think about Pumpkin but I don't think about a "baby"...I think about being pregnant. And one of the girls I read just had another miscarriage and I thought what she had to say was very insightful into what I miss and what I fear in the future:
"There is certainly an innocence lost after miscarriage. An innocence lost that can not really be explained unless you have experienced it. If you have, you’ll know exactly what I am trying to convey. It really makes itself apparent if another pregnancy occurs. Pregnancy doesn’t mean the same thing anymore. It becomes clinical. Before I ever had a miscarriage, I freely interchanged the phrases “I’m pregnant” with “I’m having a baby”. Now, they are two very different things to me." - Viv
After the initial shock of losing Pumpkin, this is what I was sad about. It won't be new again. Before, only like 2 people even knew we were trying. Our parents were clueless, we had no clue if my crazy timing schedule was even right, and we were ecstatic to see those pink lines. But we have lost that. I guess I think of it as the innocence of it that she talked about. I know I have plenty of time since I am so young and healthy, but I want to be pregnant again NOW. Next time those lines will mean "I'm pregnant"...time to freak out. Not the level of excitement as before. Now I do feel like I didn't get too far ahead of myself. I didn't go shopping for baby clothes and toys....if anything I avoided the entire section of the store. I bought a stroller on the bulletin board at work(because it was an awesome deal that could not be passed up) but that was it. So maybe I never fully invested in it for fear this would happen...so maybe I protected myself some...or maybe I knew it in my subconscious Who knows?
But this is my goodbye to Pumpkin. My goodbye to my sadness, goodbye to my uncertainty, and goodbye to my sense of helplessness. I am a strong person. I will be fine. And even though I am not a very religious person, everything happens for a reason. If anything, this has taught me that...even down to a scientific level. So bye bye Pumpkin...you will be missed.
"An angel wrote in the book of life, my baby's date of birth. Then whispered as she closed the book 'Too beautiful for earth.'"
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Work!
Well I went back to work today. Had a great day...still no pain or bleeding! Also since I went home early on Monday sick, everyone else just assumed that I was out sick....so no awkward questions. And to top it off, we got our merit raises! That's right...the Mann family just bumped up in the tax bracket! Gotta love working for the same company...we get double!
I just wanted to take some time out to say how much I love my hubby. I am not one for mushy stuff but he has been the best. This whole ordeal has only made me realize why I love him so much. He has babied me, cleaned for me, cooked for me, and even held my hair while I threw up(I know...sooo cliche). I don't think it would have been as easy without him. I just hope he is doing OK as well. I ask...but ya never know. So thank you Mr. Mann...i shore do love you and you are going to be one superb daddy.
I just wanted to take some time out to say how much I love my hubby. I am not one for mushy stuff but he has been the best. This whole ordeal has only made me realize why I love him so much. He has babied me, cleaned for me, cooked for me, and even held my hair while I threw up(I know...sooo cliche). I don't think it would have been as easy without him. I just hope he is doing OK as well. I ask...but ya never know. So thank you Mr. Mann...i shore do love you and you are going to be one superb daddy.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Ahhh...good info
So I was surfing around for junk on the net and found this article. Doesn't all apply but it has all the miscarriage facts and how there is little known reasons for recurrent ones.
Here is the full article.
But here is a good excerpt:
"If you know or read about all the things that can go wrong in achieving and maintaining a successful pregnancy, you will no doubt wonder how so many healthy babies manage to be born. More than half of pregnancies are spontaneously lost even before the woman has missed a menstrual period and knows that she is pregnant, and about 15 to 20 percent of recognized pregnancies are miscarried in the next few months. For couples who want a baby, these are daunting numbers.
Quick on their heels, however, are very reassuring numbers. For 80 to 90 percent of women who lose one pregnancy, the next one, even with no treatment, results in a successful birth. But the devastation is compounded and the statistics slightly less hopeful when a woman has lost two or more pregnancies. After two consecutive miscarriages, there is a 75 percent chance that the next pregnancy will be maintained. After three miscarriages, there is a 65 percent chance."
Just more learning :)
Here is the full article.
But here is a good excerpt:
"If you know or read about all the things that can go wrong in achieving and maintaining a successful pregnancy, you will no doubt wonder how so many healthy babies manage to be born. More than half of pregnancies are spontaneously lost even before the woman has missed a menstrual period and knows that she is pregnant, and about 15 to 20 percent of recognized pregnancies are miscarried in the next few months. For couples who want a baby, these are daunting numbers.
Quick on their heels, however, are very reassuring numbers. For 80 to 90 percent of women who lose one pregnancy, the next one, even with no treatment, results in a successful birth. But the devastation is compounded and the statistics slightly less hopeful when a woman has lost two or more pregnancies. After two consecutive miscarriages, there is a 75 percent chance that the next pregnancy will be maintained. After three miscarriages, there is a 65 percent chance."
Just more learning :)
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
A New Start
I had my D&E this morning. We went last Friday to talk to the Dr. about the procedure and I found it to be a lot easier than I had read. Most people have to check in to the hospital and are completely sedated during the procedure. They are there for a good 6 hours or so for all of the hospital overhead. My doctor said that I could do that or, since the pregnancy was so early on, I could have it done in the office in under 30 minutes. I really like my doctor and trust him. So I decided on the office.
This morning I took Valium at around 9 and headed to the office. I was pretty loopy when I got there. They also gave me a shot in the booty of pain reliever. I won't go into all the details but basically I was manually dilated and numbed internally. He then made a couple of passes with suction and removed all the tissue and blood. Near the end, I was in quite a bit of pain from the cramping. I sat back for a few minutes and it eventually went away. I did however get very nauseas and had to vomit a little. Apparently I could have eaten breakfast with my medication but I thought that I shouldn't. After that though, I felt much better....and wanted to eat :).
The doctor did tell me that what he saw was that my body was still creating a healthy environment for the baby...it just couldn't grow anymore. I am pretty sure they send off for tests to make sure it wasn't something out of the ordinary and I should hear back in a few weeks. I have another follow up in 2 weeks.
I came home and ate and then took a long nap to sleep off the drugs. I feel pretty good. I have been suffering from allergies for a few days now...and even those seem to be slacking off. So I feel great! I have only bled a bit and maybe had 1 or 2 slight cramps. I also got a nice big bottle of hydracodone to "help me sleep". Woooha. And on that note, I just love my insurance. All I have payed for for all of this is about $8 in drugs. The copay is INSANE!
Well I hope this will help some people understand the whole process of miscarriage more. Like I said in my previous post, I am happy to talk about it. I feel like it is kept so quiet and so foreign to people that when it happens, people don't know where to turn. So if you know anyone that needs someone to talk to, I am always here :).
So this is our new start. We have to wait for me to have one normal cycle and we are cleared to go :).
This morning I took Valium at around 9 and headed to the office. I was pretty loopy when I got there. They also gave me a shot in the booty of pain reliever. I won't go into all the details but basically I was manually dilated and numbed internally. He then made a couple of passes with suction and removed all the tissue and blood. Near the end, I was in quite a bit of pain from the cramping. I sat back for a few minutes and it eventually went away. I did however get very nauseas and had to vomit a little. Apparently I could have eaten breakfast with my medication but I thought that I shouldn't. After that though, I felt much better....and wanted to eat :).
The doctor did tell me that what he saw was that my body was still creating a healthy environment for the baby...it just couldn't grow anymore. I am pretty sure they send off for tests to make sure it wasn't something out of the ordinary and I should hear back in a few weeks. I have another follow up in 2 weeks.
I came home and ate and then took a long nap to sleep off the drugs. I feel pretty good. I have been suffering from allergies for a few days now...and even those seem to be slacking off. So I feel great! I have only bled a bit and maybe had 1 or 2 slight cramps. I also got a nice big bottle of hydracodone to "help me sleep". Woooha. And on that note, I just love my insurance. All I have payed for for all of this is about $8 in drugs. The copay is INSANE!
Well I hope this will help some people understand the whole process of miscarriage more. Like I said in my previous post, I am happy to talk about it. I feel like it is kept so quiet and so foreign to people that when it happens, people don't know where to turn. So if you know anyone that needs someone to talk to, I am always here :).
So this is our new start. We have to wait for me to have one normal cycle and we are cleared to go :).
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Sad News
I went in for my appointment on Thursday and they baby no longer has a heartbeat and isn’t growing. Unfortunately, it is a miscarriage. It was very sad and I took the rest of the day off. I was obviously very upset and just needed some time to grieve.
We left Friday morning for the River with the family for Easter. Some may see this as a weird move right after I found out, but I am of the type that I would rather be around other people(especially people who have no idea) than by myself to mope. We had a really good weekend and I only broke down a handful of times…of course when I get by myself. But with the whole relaxing weekend, I had a lot to think about. And my thought process, I feel, has been the best coping mechanism. I want to share my thoughts so that others can be prepared in case it happens to you.
First off, here are some basic facts to bust this taboo topic out in the open. Anywhere from 15%-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Bet you didn’t know that? Most of the time, these are early on in the pregnancy. They are chromosomal abnormalities that don’t allow the baby to develop beyond a certain point. So the miscarriage is your body’s way of getting rid of the undeveloped child. It sounds kinda cold, I know…and some women can’t handle that reality…but to me it all makes perfect sense. And with it being an abnormality, there is nothing you could have or can do to prevent it. That is just the way it is. So this is where I am. I can A) beat myself up over something I can’t control or B) move on and think about the future. I am going with option B and I feel that has helped me very quickly. I knew, even before this happened, the statistics and realities of miscarriage so I wasn’t struck with this since of guilt or panic when I was told. Of course I was sad, but I always knew in the back of my head, it could be true. I also want to be an example to you ladies down the road if this happens to you…take your time to grieve and everyone is different…but realize it isn’t your fault….you can still have a perfectly healthy baby next time. So begin positive is my motto. No need to sulk about and pity myself. This is the ultimate falling off the horse…and I am getting right back on.
Now the hard part, to me, is that I have to decide to wait to naturally have the miscarriage or have a D&C. For some information, just see here. I think I have decided to wait until Thursday, and if nothing is happening naturally, to inquire about the surgery. We were told that once the miscarriage is over, we can try again after my next cycle. Also it seems that women become more fertile after and usually get pregnant again very soon. So fingers crossed! I am a little scared of surgery since I have never had anything other than oral surgery done. I have done a lot of reading about the procedure and reading some boards where women talk about their experience. A lot of women said it was a quicker way of letting go and some felt a natural miscarriage was a lot more emotional as well as physically painful. Also, there is no idea of how long it would take. Right now I still feel exactly the same. I am tired, my boobs hurt, I am hungry, etc. I am ready for it to just all be over and I can move on.
So I will still update if I have the surgery or not and then I will probably take a break from the blog. Thanks for reading.
We left Friday morning for the River with the family for Easter. Some may see this as a weird move right after I found out, but I am of the type that I would rather be around other people(especially people who have no idea) than by myself to mope. We had a really good weekend and I only broke down a handful of times…of course when I get by myself. But with the whole relaxing weekend, I had a lot to think about. And my thought process, I feel, has been the best coping mechanism. I want to share my thoughts so that others can be prepared in case it happens to you.
First off, here are some basic facts to bust this taboo topic out in the open. Anywhere from 15%-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Bet you didn’t know that? Most of the time, these are early on in the pregnancy. They are chromosomal abnormalities that don’t allow the baby to develop beyond a certain point. So the miscarriage is your body’s way of getting rid of the undeveloped child. It sounds kinda cold, I know…and some women can’t handle that reality…but to me it all makes perfect sense. And with it being an abnormality, there is nothing you could have or can do to prevent it. That is just the way it is. So this is where I am. I can A) beat myself up over something I can’t control or B) move on and think about the future. I am going with option B and I feel that has helped me very quickly. I knew, even before this happened, the statistics and realities of miscarriage so I wasn’t struck with this since of guilt or panic when I was told. Of course I was sad, but I always knew in the back of my head, it could be true. I also want to be an example to you ladies down the road if this happens to you…take your time to grieve and everyone is different…but realize it isn’t your fault….you can still have a perfectly healthy baby next time. So begin positive is my motto. No need to sulk about and pity myself. This is the ultimate falling off the horse…and I am getting right back on.
Now the hard part, to me, is that I have to decide to wait to naturally have the miscarriage or have a D&C. For some information, just see here. I think I have decided to wait until Thursday, and if nothing is happening naturally, to inquire about the surgery. We were told that once the miscarriage is over, we can try again after my next cycle. Also it seems that women become more fertile after and usually get pregnant again very soon. So fingers crossed! I am a little scared of surgery since I have never had anything other than oral surgery done. I have done a lot of reading about the procedure and reading some boards where women talk about their experience. A lot of women said it was a quicker way of letting go and some felt a natural miscarriage was a lot more emotional as well as physically painful. Also, there is no idea of how long it would take. Right now I still feel exactly the same. I am tired, my boobs hurt, I am hungry, etc. I am ready for it to just all be over and I can move on.
So I will still update if I have the surgery or not and then I will probably take a break from the blog. Thanks for reading.
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